"I started a
garden!"
That's how I began a
phone call to dear friend about 20 minutes, however the idea for starting a
garden was planted long ago. By long ago, I mean maybe a couple or three years.
I live in an apartment in the Bay Area, CA. A while back I asked my landlady if
I could plan a garden in this nice little plot of land (about 2x4 area of dirt)
out front. She said yes! I was happy but not ready to plant. About a year goes
by and a new neighbor moves in. Before I knew it, she had planted in my future garden and her garden bloomed. I
won't even attempt to deny my envy and indignation. How could she plant in my
garden. And she did not even ask the
landlady. Looking back on that experience now, I realize that although I
was right to ask permission, I was wrong to envy her. Also, why did I delay?
Well fast forward
another year, or some months later, I hear from my dear friend that she is starting a garden. By this point I was
discouraged because the neighbor, whom I had come to love though we never
actually met since she fed the stray cats, had taken up my ideal gardening
space. Additionally, her garden just seemed to be ever expanding. And now, my
dear friend was starting a garden! Although I did not feel envy, I do recall
feeling sad for myself and thinking that it was unlikely that I would ever
start a garden.
And so fast forward
to this year. The desire to start a garden had grown stronger. That lovely
neighbor had moved out, a new family had moved in and both of my neighbors had
taken over the old garden. My landlady, without any prompting from me, said I
could start a garden if I wanted to. And when I asked him, my husband said I
could get some potted plants and supported my idea for planting a garden. So
with all this permission and support, you would think I would begin gardening
as soon as possible. Well…
I started doing
research. How do you start a garden? What does
it look like? I googled, watched YouTube, looked at Pinterest. I found
lots of instruction and ideas but I was also becoming increasingly overwhelmed
by how much preparation a garden seemed to need. And then I became plagued by
questions. What sort of plants? What tools do I
need? Will that patch get enough sunlight? If that was not bad enough, I
grew anxious over the weeds. There are so many weeds in the yard! Weeds for
days! Weeds on weeds! I knew I had to deal with those weeds before I could
started. I also knew that I would have to keep dealing with the weeds. I would
go out every other day or so and look at my future garden and it was not long
before I stopped seeing potential and started seeing so many weeds. And a big
spider to top it off!
How will I get out all of these weeds? What if they
come back? They will surely come back, but how will I get them out? Will I have
time? What about slugs? What about moles?
I could think of
nothing but potential issues that I would inevitably face and I did not know
how I would be able to deal with them. And so, my grand idea for a
vegetable/herb garden was being choked out by the weeds of anxiety and fear. I
became afraid to start the garden because I did not know if I could deal with
weeds long term. The weeds would grow and choke out my plants…At first I
thought to put off the garden until winter, and then I thought about putting it
off period. That was just yesterday…but then today happened.
I have a friend from
a grief support group that I attended at my church. She gardens! I was at her
place a couple of months ago and she had a beautiful herb and veggie garden
that was getting started. I was so inspired! So today I saw her at church and began
talking to her about my potential garden. She was giving me advice and we
continued our discussion over brunch with my husband. My sweet friend then
offers to just come over and help me with those weeds that I was so worried
about. Wow! So, I looked at my husband who nodded, and I told her that would be
great! I had actually been thinking about asking her to come and help but of
course in my anxiety and discouragement, I never did. But now she had offered!
So we scheduled for her to come over a week or so from now during my lunch to
work on the garden.
Once that was
settled my sweet friend made a comment that rocked me. She basically said that
she noticed that I needed to have everything all in order before I start
something. That it was as though I did not plan well enough for something and
blew it and/or that my life just felt out of control and I was compensating by
by trying to have a schedule and have everything in order. This insightful
comment sparked a lot of thoughts, but perhaps the most important one was,"Why am I becoming this way?"
I have never seen
myself as a perfectionist, or someone who needs everything to be just
right…until recently. Perhaps I have been this way for years, but I am starting
see it and it's distressing. My fear of failing, or of not doing everything
just right, disables me. I become guarded, careful, cautious. Eventually, I let
my guard down, I start to feel free again and then I make another mistake or
experience a disappointment. Next thing you know I am spiraling into depression
and hiding myself again.
I was experiencing
one of these bouts of depression today when I started thinking that I should
just go outside and start pulling out some weeds. And so, out I went with my
impractical white sundress, pink jacket, and wedges. I knelt down intending
only to pull out one or two weeds. I had only my bare hands, and there were
spiders…Next thing you know I am just pulling weeds out left and right. Some
came out real easy while others were more stubborn. All the while I was working
I kept telling myself it's okay. That weed will
come out, even if it's not today. What if the weeds come back? Well I will come
back too. What if the weeds are still in the ground? I will get them out at
some point. What about that big 'ole spider? I am sorry Mr. Spider but you gon'
have to move out! What if the plants don't grow? If the Lord wants something to
grow here it will.
I worked until I
felt satisfied for the moment. I felt so free, so encouraged! I went inside and
left my sweet friend a voicemail. Come
tomorrow! I called my dear friend. I
started a garden! There is someone I have not yet thanked and that is
the Lord my God. Thank you Father for the power of your Holy Spirit who
sanctifies me and for the blood of your Son the Lord Jesus Christ which redeems
me. Forgive me for being anxious and fearful and for being slow in praising
you!
You see, this garden
is like my life right now. Full of potential to bring God glory! And full of
weeds that are choking out His word…I can't tell you quite how it felt to look
at my potential garden and see my own heart.
Humiliating. Discouraging. How ashamed I felt to see that my heart was
like my poor garden. It needs so much work! I am so encouraged and comforted by
the Holy Spirit whom the Lord Jesus has given to me. He won't leave my heart
this way. And so, I start my garden today claiming the Lord's promise that He
will complete the work that He was started.
What if my sweet friend does not show up? What if I
don't have time to work in the garden tomorrow? What if…
(Mat 6:25-34 NKJV)
25 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will
eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not
life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 "Look at the birds
of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your
heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 "Which
of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? 28 "So why do you
worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they
neither toil nor spin; 29 "and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all
his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 "Now if God so clothes the
grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, [will
He] not much more [clothe] you, O you of little faith? 31 "Therefore do
not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What
shall we wear?' 32 "For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your
heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 "But seek first
the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added
to you. 34 "Therefore do not worry about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day
[is] its own trouble.
(Phl 4:6-7 NKJV) 6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with
thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through
Christ Jesus.
(Phl 1:1-6 NKJV) 1
Paul and Timothy, bondservants of Jesus Christ, To all the saints in Christ
Jesus who are in Philippi, with the bishops and deacons: 2 Grace to you and
peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. 3 I thank my God upon
every remembrance of you, 4 always in every prayer of mine making request for
you all with joy, 5 for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until
now, 6 being confident of this very thing, that He
who has begun a good work in you will complete [it] until the day of Jesus
Christ;
Written on 7/7/2018.
